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So you are discontent, dysfunctional, discomfited and dis-eased with your job, and by hook or by crook you want to get terminated from employment. You’ve tried to be as incompetent an employee as possible, and yet you’ve not fallen to prey to the job cuts and the economic recession, that people keep talking about (you’re an economist yourself, but don’t know what recession is, that’s how bad an employee you are but they’re still not firing you!) So what do you do? Getting terminated is not very difficult. When in a soup, go for a coup, is what I say! Take an extreme step. Don’t wait for someone to slip the pink slip to you. Don’t wait for that entire long-drawn termination process. An easy way to get the office to rid themselves of you, is to become the number one villain of the office. You don’t have to be very blatant in your villainy – you don’t have to get your face tattooed or scarred, nor do you have to empty a bottle of eye-liner onto your eyelid to get the deathly Gothic look. You can always be subtle because ‘tis the age of subtlety. Yes! You can dress up in pristine branded clothes, resembling the hero, when actually you are the villain. You don’t have to have a loud and guttural evil laugh, a snigger to the side will suffice. So getting down to business, how do you go about becoming the villain in the office, thus, successfully ensuring losing your job? There are so many ways for losing a job that you will be spoilt for choice. Let me lead you into temptation…

Getting Terminated From Job Tip #1: The Yawnfather

Sleep during meetings, irrespective of whether they are boring or not. In fact, irrespective of whether the director is excitedly talking about his ambitious project to foreign clients, while speaking exceptionally bad Spanish at the top of his voice. In fact, irrespective of the presentation having such bright slides that it would make Gwen Stefani’s make up seem dull; still fake sleeping (you get the point). And now is the time to use that loud, obviously fake and extremely distracting yawn you have been practicing since you were six years old. It’s sure to be a head turner and a job burner. Simple, soporific and a terrific way to get terminated from job.

Getting Terminated From Job Tip #2: Lord of the Trings

Cell phones have truly become more of a nuisance than anything else. Hence, why not take advantage of this and use this nuisance to become a nuisance yourself? Set your cell phone to the loudest and most annoying ring-tone ever. Don’t stick to the staple ring-tone’s, make a style statement. If you’re a guy, you can keep a song that has a string of abuses (any Eminem song basically) or just to irritate people further, you can keep ‘I’m a Barbie girl’ and claim you have to keep it because you lost a bet, or you can use the chorus of ‘Mr. Lonely’, nothing irritates people more than that shrill high-pitched voice. Oh and of course, ensure that your cell phone rings. Ask a friend to give you a missed call every half an hour. That’s what friends are for anyway, aren’t they!

Getting Terminated From Job Tip #3: Distress the Damsel in Distress

In every office, there is always the perennial damsel in distress, the woman who does not know how to even walk a step without beckoning for help, at which all the males in the office would leave a dying relatives bedside to spontaneously appear. Yes, while most men will be at her beck and call (hoping half-heartedly for a peck and call), you need to willfully ignore her. Yes, this is a case where ignorance will be bliss. She will get disgruntled with your ‘discourteous’ behavior and will use her popularity and get you fired. There you go! This story will become the office version of Beauty and the Beast indeed. (Warning: There might be some people who will go about masquerading with placards claiming you were wrongfully terminated from job or that you were terminated for no cause that was worthwhile. Take adequate measures to handle these people beforehand).

Getting Terminated From Job Tip #4: Who Let the Dogs Out?

When it comes to animals, at one end of the spectrum are hardcore non-vegetarians, whose digestive tract can only digest meat, while at the other end are PETA activists. In between these two extremes, are people who are dead scared or dead allergic of animals. So if you have a colleague who is an asthmatic, then all you have to do is leave a cat in her office. Also if you know of a colleague who cakes her face with so much make-up that her face looks double its original size, then you can just drop in a cute dog who can’t do without licking people’s face. And voila! Your new-found hobby of being the zoo-lander will land you with a pink slip before you can say “Holy cow!”

Getting Terminated From Job Tip #5: The Whole Nine Guards

While talking of how to lose a job in 10 days, there is no better way of going about it than by capitalizing on your talent for procrastination. You always keep snoozing your alarm, thus ending up coming late to office. The only difference is that now, you will purposely come late to office, and will not ask your horn-rimmed bespectacled best buddy to swipe your card for you while all the security guards aren’t looking. Now, you will actually take credit for coming late. Stroll into the office at your own leisurely time like you’re the king of the jungle. If anyone asks you why you’re so late, you can suddenly turn into a nature-freak and say things like “I was waiting to see the leaves turn yellow” or “I was waiting to see whether after rising from the east, does the sun stay there or not?” or you can even say “I was wanting to test my neighbors patience level by seeing how long it takes for him to blow his top when I’m staring at him through my window.” You can actually do these things if you want. And before you know it, you’ll be walking out of the office with the termination letter in your hand and a smile on your face.

Getting Terminated From Job Tip #6: Become the Gossip Girl

Use the office cooler for reasons besides thirst. You know that if the office cooler had ears, he would have to go that extra mile for asking for forgiveness from God for having sinned by hearing all the gossip that he has no option but to hear. And irrespective of your gender, you’ve been a part of that gossip group all through. The only difference will be that this time when people ask you if it was you, you only have to truthfully admit it, unlike vehemently denying it the way you always did. You can say things like “Oh you know, Mel is on a diet! And you know why she’s going on a diet? ‘Cuz Sam told her she was too fat for him!” This will obviously enrage women who are members of WTF (Women True to Feminism), and they will go stomping off to eat Sam alive. Of course, after the furore is settled, and you have been identified as the cause for the whole episode, you will be fired under clause no. 420 which states ‘Fired for causing discontent and discord in the harmonious and peace-loving office environment’, or some untrue clause like that. Oh, but make sure that while you are leaving office with your packed brown boxes, leave Sam a sorry note, or at least your coffee mug (provided it is unstained and uncracked) or better still, a part of your remaining pay slip, if you get any at all that is.

Getting Terminated From Job Tip #7: Dumb and Dumber

Ever wondered what it must be like to be Archie for a day? Sans the noisy jalopy (do use one if you have one!) you can try out all the antics that he uses to bug the life out of Mr. Lodge. Drop everything in sight, stumble on everyone in sight and if you have a cup of hot coffee in your hand, the more the merrier! Especially, use this trick if you know that the office environment is such that job stress is at its peak. If you see a colleague in a white or cream colored shirt, let the loaded coffee mug ‘accidentally’ slip out of your hand. Mix up your colleagues extremely important documents just before his big presentation. Let the first slide of the presentation be ‘I am done. Thank-you for your time and money, suckers!’ Even if all the above tips fail, this one surely won’t.

In the UK a great many freelance and self-employed contractors are now moving their tax solutions and structures away from the traditional Managed Service Companies or Umbrella Companies. They are now moving across to a new structure known as an Employee Benefit Trust. And although the many benefits of Umbrella Companies compared with Managed Service Companies are well documented it is worth weighing up a further question – namely which is a better choice for freelancers and contractors, Umbrella Companies or Employee Benefit Trusts?

Managed Service Companies were the tax vehicle of choice for most contractors before 2007. An MSC was a composite service company designed to manage general administration, invoices and paperwork. The contractors and freelancers became shareholders in the company but were not responsible for its management and did not have to get involved in any of the general administration and jobs traditionally managed by company directors. Rather, these jobs were dealt with by the chosen service provider, allowing the freelancers to receive their salary at the end of the week and to work in a more efficient environment for contractors.

However, since the passing of legislation in 2007 addressing IR35 and the abuse of Managed Service Companies to avoid National Insurance contributions and higher bands of income tax, Umbrella Companies and more recently Employee Benefit Trusts, (neither of which are covered by MSC legislation) suddenly became the more popular and more efficient choice amongst most contractors and freelance workers.

An umbrella company is in essence a company that acts as an employer to contractors working under fixed term contracts. The Umbrella Company will take away the hassle of payment collection from clients, (including invoicing etc) as well as organizing tax calculations and national insurance contributions on behalf of its contractors. The individual freelancers and contractors will fulfill their contract employment as per usual but at the month’s end they will simply hand in time-sheets and expenses forms to a representative of their umbrella company. After that the umbrella company deals with all the paperwork on behalf of the freelancers, contractors and consultants.

In the last couple of years however, many freelancers have moved once again from Umbrella Companies to something called an Employee Benefit Trust, which they see as offering even more advantages. EBT’s are trusts which have been established by some employers for the benefit of those people who work for them. An Employee Benefit Trust for freelancers, contractors and consultants is similarly a discretionary trust designed specifically with freelance workers, portfolio workers and consultants in mind, who will be called ‘skilled employees’ and ‘employed’ by their chosen EBT provider company and who are then classed as employees in order to be able to benefit from their Employee Benefit Trust’s tax structure. The company that is managing the Employee Benefit Trust will pay the contract worker a nominal salary (normally minimum wage) from which PAYE and National Insurance are taken. The rest of the contract worker’s salary is then paid into the EBT. Thereafter, the trust will loan to the contractor, interest free (and with indefinite repayment terms) the balance of pay owed.

Which is superior then? Basically, an Employee Benefit Trust covers all the same advantages that the Umbrella Companies offer (the removal of director responsibilities, lack of invoices and paperwork, and not affected by MSC legislation) but goes further still and has none of the problems associated with Umbrella Companies. EBT’s do not require expenses or time-sheets. They also provide more job security as contractors working under EBT’s are given full UK and world-wide employment rights and statutory benefits. Finally, and perhaps of key importance to most contract workers, they offer a substantially higher gross to net ratio on earnings. Whereas umbrella companies can offer up to 65% gross to net, EBT’s can offer an amazing 85% return on gross to net earnings.

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