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Archive for May, 2011

Lost money is what’s under the couch, in your coat pocket, on the street somewhere, but there are much larger unclaimed assets out there waiting to be recovered — money in bank accounts you’d forgotten about, paychecks that were never collected, utility and rent deposits, etc. But what if you could get your hands on hundreds, or even thousands, of pounds you never knew you had? It is possible.

Way back in 1999, the Montel Williams show aired a presentation about lost money. I originally thought that the subject of the show was money that someone previously had in had that was literally lost. The subject could have been funds squandered through gambling or bad investments. However, the show was about funds that many of us have. We just don’t know that we have it.

Well, Oprah Winfrey also had an interesting show on the topic of lost money. Oprah proved that people are not aware of the missing funds by uniting seventy-thousand dollars in lost money to audience members. These audience members were pleasantly surprised to have the funds that were rightfully theirs. She went on to explain that millions and millions of dollars go unclaimed year after year.

We all know that, many Americans have unclaimed property, or lost money, floating around in federal and state accounts. The unclaimed money or property has reached in excess of forty billion dollars in these institutions. And here’s the interesting part. However, over five-hundred billion dollars are held up in corporations, both private and public. These staggering numbers are due to the simple fact that people don’t know about their lost money.

Moreover, seven out of ten people estimated has unclaimed property or funds locked away somewhere without even knowing about it. Odds are you are one of those people. The question is whether Montel Williams or Oprah Winfrey will have repeat shows on the topic of lost money but it doesn’t seem likely.

Unluckily, Oprah Winfrey and Montel Williams don’t have quite enough time to find lost money for people across the United States. Maybe, it should be in your interest to take matters into your own hands by doing a little research for your self. Yes, finding out about your heritage could be a great start. There are also a number of web sites that offer information on the subject of finding lost money as well.

Always remember that, it is best to be leery of scams when it comes to personal finances and personal information. Avoid divulging too much information to an unsecured party. Bear in mind that if someone asks for your date of birth, your social security number and your mother’s maiden name, a red flag should go up.

So you are discontent, dysfunctional, discomfited and dis-eased with your job, and by hook or by crook you want to get terminated from employment. You’ve tried to be as incompetent an employee as possible, and yet you’ve not fallen to prey to the job cuts and the economic recession, that people keep talking about (you’re an economist yourself, but don’t know what recession is, that’s how bad an employee you are but they’re still not firing you!) So what do you do? Getting terminated is not very difficult. When in a soup, go for a coup, is what I say! Take an extreme step. Don’t wait for someone to slip the pink slip to you. Don’t wait for that entire long-drawn termination process. An easy way to get the office to rid themselves of you, is to become the number one villain of the office. You don’t have to be very blatant in your villainy – you don’t have to get your face tattooed or scarred, nor do you have to empty a bottle of eye-liner onto your eyelid to get the deathly Gothic look. You can always be subtle because ‘tis the age of subtlety. Yes! You can dress up in pristine branded clothes, resembling the hero, when actually you are the villain. You don’t have to have a loud and guttural evil laugh, a snigger to the side will suffice. So getting down to business, how do you go about becoming the villain in the office, thus, successfully ensuring losing your job? There are so many ways for losing a job that you will be spoilt for choice. Let me lead you into temptation…

Getting Terminated From Job Tip #1: The Yawnfather

Sleep during meetings, irrespective of whether they are boring or not. In fact, irrespective of whether the director is excitedly talking about his ambitious project to foreign clients, while speaking exceptionally bad Spanish at the top of his voice. In fact, irrespective of the presentation having such bright slides that it would make Gwen Stefani’s make up seem dull; still fake sleeping (you get the point). And now is the time to use that loud, obviously fake and extremely distracting yawn you have been practicing since you were six years old. It’s sure to be a head turner and a job burner. Simple, soporific and a terrific way to get terminated from job.

Getting Terminated From Job Tip #2: Lord of the Trings

Cell phones have truly become more of a nuisance than anything else. Hence, why not take advantage of this and use this nuisance to become a nuisance yourself? Set your cell phone to the loudest and most annoying ring-tone ever. Don’t stick to the staple ring-tone’s, make a style statement. If you’re a guy, you can keep a song that has a string of abuses (any Eminem song basically) or just to irritate people further, you can keep ‘I’m a Barbie girl’ and claim you have to keep it because you lost a bet, or you can use the chorus of ‘Mr. Lonely’, nothing irritates people more than that shrill high-pitched voice. Oh and of course, ensure that your cell phone rings. Ask a friend to give you a missed call every half an hour. That’s what friends are for anyway, aren’t they!

Getting Terminated From Job Tip #3: Distress the Damsel in Distress

In every office, there is always the perennial damsel in distress, the woman who does not know how to even walk a step without beckoning for help, at which all the males in the office would leave a dying relatives bedside to spontaneously appear. Yes, while most men will be at her beck and call (hoping half-heartedly for a peck and call), you need to willfully ignore her. Yes, this is a case where ignorance will be bliss. She will get disgruntled with your ‘discourteous’ behavior and will use her popularity and get you fired. There you go! This story will become the office version of Beauty and the Beast indeed. (Warning: There might be some people who will go about masquerading with placards claiming you were wrongfully terminated from job or that you were terminated for no cause that was worthwhile. Take adequate measures to handle these people beforehand).

Getting Terminated From Job Tip #4: Who Let the Dogs Out?

When it comes to animals, at one end of the spectrum are hardcore non-vegetarians, whose digestive tract can only digest meat, while at the other end are PETA activists. In between these two extremes, are people who are dead scared or dead allergic of animals. So if you have a colleague who is an asthmatic, then all you have to do is leave a cat in her office. Also if you know of a colleague who cakes her face with so much make-up that her face looks double its original size, then you can just drop in a cute dog who can’t do without licking people’s face. And voila! Your new-found hobby of being the zoo-lander will land you with a pink slip before you can say “Holy cow!”

Getting Terminated From Job Tip #5: The Whole Nine Guards

While talking of how to lose a job in 10 days, there is no better way of going about it than by capitalizing on your talent for procrastination. You always keep snoozing your alarm, thus ending up coming late to office. The only difference is that now, you will purposely come late to office, and will not ask your horn-rimmed bespectacled best buddy to swipe your card for you while all the security guards aren’t looking. Now, you will actually take credit for coming late. Stroll into the office at your own leisurely time like you’re the king of the jungle. If anyone asks you why you’re so late, you can suddenly turn into a nature-freak and say things like “I was waiting to see the leaves turn yellow” or “I was waiting to see whether after rising from the east, does the sun stay there or not?” or you can even say “I was wanting to test my neighbors patience level by seeing how long it takes for him to blow his top when I’m staring at him through my window.” You can actually do these things if you want. And before you know it, you’ll be walking out of the office with the termination letter in your hand and a smile on your face.

Getting Terminated From Job Tip #6: Become the Gossip Girl

Use the office cooler for reasons besides thirst. You know that if the office cooler had ears, he would have to go that extra mile for asking for forgiveness from God for having sinned by hearing all the gossip that he has no option but to hear. And irrespective of your gender, you’ve been a part of that gossip group all through. The only difference will be that this time when people ask you if it was you, you only have to truthfully admit it, unlike vehemently denying it the way you always did. You can say things like “Oh you know, Mel is on a diet! And you know why she’s going on a diet? ‘Cuz Sam told her she was too fat for him!” This will obviously enrage women who are members of WTF (Women True to Feminism), and they will go stomping off to eat Sam alive. Of course, after the furore is settled, and you have been identified as the cause for the whole episode, you will be fired under clause no. 420 which states ‘Fired for causing discontent and discord in the harmonious and peace-loving office environment’, or some untrue clause like that. Oh, but make sure that while you are leaving office with your packed brown boxes, leave Sam a sorry note, or at least your coffee mug (provided it is unstained and uncracked) or better still, a part of your remaining pay slip, if you get any at all that is.

Getting Terminated From Job Tip #7: Dumb and Dumber

Ever wondered what it must be like to be Archie for a day? Sans the noisy jalopy (do use one if you have one!) you can try out all the antics that he uses to bug the life out of Mr. Lodge. Drop everything in sight, stumble on everyone in sight and if you have a cup of hot coffee in your hand, the more the merrier! Especially, use this trick if you know that the office environment is such that job stress is at its peak. If you see a colleague in a white or cream colored shirt, let the loaded coffee mug ‘accidentally’ slip out of your hand. Mix up your colleagues extremely important documents just before his big presentation. Let the first slide of the presentation be ‘I am done. Thank-you for your time and money, suckers!’ Even if all the above tips fail, this one surely won’t.